A very long thought of who I am

As i sit in the library reading for my Chinese history class, i can’t help but to wonder off to facebook

As i stalked my cousin whom got into medical school, i can’t help but felt discourage and self-conscious about myself. I remember talking to my mom about my cousin going to med school and my mid-terms simultaneously, and i told her that i didn’t do as good as i thought in the class. Then she dropped this one line, “Jean, it’s kind of hard for me to hear that  your cousin is going to med school and where you on the other hand, got a C+ on your mid-term”

This is what i felt for the past 7 weeks here at San Diego. I felt discourage and self-conscious about myself. I start doubting myself whether i belong here or not. I start becoming like everyone else in the school, study like there is no tomorrow. I am at the library till 3am, not eating, waking up to my laptop to read some more. In the mist of all the craziness and disorient life I pushed away what once was so important in my life away completely, God.

I have to say God works in mysterious ways. Last night, i was invited by one of my friend whom i met through a friend through another friend to a small group. We were studying the first two chapters in the book of 1 Timothy. We discussed our questions, concerns, and thoughts on the two chapters. There was this one particularly verse that stood out to me the most and that is 1 Timothy 2:10. I thought for the past 7 weeks what I have done was trying to find a new identity for myself, someone who will be socially accepted (someone who party, someone who curses), where I already know whom I am long ago.

I asked some harsh questions last night at the small group. Questions like “if the Bible said we will all be saved, then what is the point of believing in the Bible? What is the point of following it?” I asked these questions like I was never a believer. However, the people whom were at the small group gave me a clear answer, “Yes, we will be save by Grace; however, the Bible clearly stated that only few will make it through the gate. Yes, people will go to heaven; however, can they get in?”

We are all sinners of this world and that is why we need Jesus as our savior, and our job? “Be holy, for I am Holy” 1 Peter 1:16 We are to do our best to live a Holy life, because you never know who is watching you, you never know how a small action can change your or others’ life.

Someone asked him, “Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?”

He said to them, ²⁴“Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. ²⁵Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, ‘Sir, open the door for us.’
“But he will answer, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from.’ Luke 13:24-25

Last night I was challenge by my small group to live a Holy life, let our actions speak louder than words.

Another thing I felt I had disappointed myself and God is my doubt in Him. I shared this thought with my small group last night and the response i get is that, “How can one doubt God when they have seem what He had done in ones life? how can we forget God’s grace?” So someone said something that i thought was a really good point. It was a sermon she heard. Once we received our salvation we tend to forget what it was that God had forgave us for. We first started to volunteer at church because we felt that is a way to give back for what God had done for us. But over time, it become a routine, we are doing it because we have always been doing it. The point is, we should never forget our sins, but not necessary dwell on them either. Use them as a reminder for why you are believing and why you are doing what you are doing right now for God.

So today, while i was reading one of the daily devotion from crosswalk.com. The first sentence, “I wonder if the greatest witnessing tool available to us Christians is often pushed aside because of our busyness” Then when i was reading this article my Pandora music played this one song called “Above all else”,

“I come to you with everything
And I wish that there was more to bring
Have I really given my all?
It’s a struggle with priorities
I get lost in all the lesser things in life
And hope starts to fall
Oh, I know you understand
Oh, you hold the world in your hands

You are, you are, you’re above all else
You stay, always, far above all else

There’s so much I don’t understand
But I’m giving up on doubts I’ve had
I’ll try
I try to do what you’d do
And as each day turns to history
I learn more about the mysteries of you
Now you’re changing my life
Oh, I know you understand
Oh, with all the world in your hands

As you lead me down this road
I will follow wherever you may go
With every step I’ll try to close the distance
Cause where you are is where I wanna be”

I think 7 weeks is long enough to be away God. I miss Him. I miss everything. Let me go back. Help me to get back on my feet Lord.

“Keep your spiritual goals at the top of your list.   Focus on using the talents God has given you to be successful at school – and let everything else go to the bottom of the list.” My mentor. God works in mysterious ways…be prepare because you never who and what He have for you in the future to encounter.